Psalms 30:11 says, "You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy." At my old church at home, Psalms 30:11 was part of a song that we sang.
These past few months, I have been dealing with major depression. The depression only continued to get worse. I tried to turn to God in prayer, but it became difficult. I tried to fast to focus my mind on God, but it was of little benefit at the time. I tried to focus more on the reading of the word, but it would only do so much. I knew that something was missing.
I knew, coincidentally, I wanted to learn the guitar in order to learn how to sing worship songs. I had a burning passion to learn but no one who was free enough to teach me. Just last night, a friend of mine, Vince, came over to my dorm and began to teach me how to play. Just in the one night, he taught me a few cords, we talked about life, and he taught me how to play the song "Set a Fire." It was exactly what I needed. In fact, I was overjoyed that night. I even woke up this morning, when I could have slept in a bit longer, and grabbed my guitar to start practicing again. In fact, as soon as I post this, I will probably go back to playing again. I was mourning and I was not able to let my soul express itself in every way. Just because reading the word wasn't encouraging me doesn't mean the Bible wasn't working. It just meant that God had something in store, and the depression that I was going through was all to bring glory to Him.
I will still struggle with depression. I am fine with that. Even if singing to God does not make me feel totally better every time, I am fine with that. Christianity isn't about how to improve our lives. It's about giving God the glory that He rightfully owns and deserves. I will always bless the name of the Lord, no matter how my flesh may feel. I am so glad that He has allowed me to praise Him in this new way; not for the sake of my happiness, though He does care about His children's happiness, but for the sake of being able to keep my joy in Him no matter what life throws at me. I fine my joy in blessing the name of the Lord. It is more satisfying than anything else in the world.
-D
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